IT’S OKAY, YOU CAN JUDGE ME
So… I did a thing. Some of you may frown at me and some of you may praise me. I’m not proud of it but I can’t control it. I cheated on my family. I went away for a week and when I came back I came back with a new love in my life. I know that you may be judging me but just hear me out first.
REAL FREEDOM WITHOUT A PURPOSE
Before I had children, my life was full of adventures. I would stay out and party until morning and sleep until it was time to get ready to party again. I was a little shit and definitely not a role model for any young person, but I truly believed that I was happy and that I was free. I did what I wanted when I wanted and how I wanted. I was free but entirely unaware that I had a hole in my heart. I was blind to that fact that I was empty with no purpose. My only purpose in life was to surround myself with people who made me smile and laugh until the sun came up.
WHAT HAPPENED AFTER I FOUND MY PURPOSE
I always wanted to be super available for my kids. It was important for me to be involved in everything that had to do with my children. I always thought that I partied and experienced enough in life that I didn’t need to be free anymore. That I could happily give up everything I was for my family. I don’t think I’m alone when I say that I feel/felt like a bad mom if I wasn’t around every second of every day for my family. Essentially I lost all of my friends when I got pregnant and solely focused all of my time and energy on my family. I found my purpose in life and loved every minute of it but became really depressed. For years I would start crying before I would open my eyes in the mornings and would continue to cry until I went to bed that night; just to do it all over again the next day. It was a confusing time for me. I had everything I’ve ever wanted in life but felt so sad all the time. It persisted and progressively got to the point where I couldn’t even get up without pain shooting from my head to my toes. I always felt like I had hundreds of butterflies fluttering around in my belly that constantly made me sick to my stomach. I had always had headaches and couldn’t concentrate on anything and forgot everything. I ended up getting so bad that I knew I couldn’t fix it on my own anymore and needed help. I reached out to my doctor and he diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety. He put me on medication that helped me cope with these awful feelings.
The medication took away the pain and the tears so that I could learn how to function with my depression and anxiety but I lost myself somewhere along the way. I don’t know if I lost myself while I was depressed without medication or if being medicated made me lose myself but something happened and there was a shift somewhere along the way. It pains me to admit but I haven’t felt real happiness in years. It’s hard for me to feel much really. It’s like I just float through my days organizing my family and doing what needs to get done in order to keep everyone else healthy and happy. Everyone has clothes on their backs, food in their belly’s and a clean home to come home to. The kids have a mom and dad who show them love daily, the bills are paid on time and no one has to worry about anything because “mamma's got it.”
WHO DID I CHEAT ON MY FAMILY WITH?
I found a new love in my life when I recently spent a week in Vancouver. I’ve actually known this person for a long time but we lost touch many years ago. This person is a fun, loving, happy person who makes me smile. She makes me feel alive, a feeling I haven’t felt in thirteen years. All the demands waiting for me at home just melt away when I’m with her, not completely vanishes but it’s not the only thing I focus on. She makes me smile and laugh from the pit of my belly. She forces me to stop and watch waterfalls; to enjoy and listen to the sound of stillness without a thought of worry. With some time away from all the demands waiting for me at home I was able to feel a love I never thought I would feel again. She allows me to break out of the chains of responsibilities, to feel happy and free again. I cheated on my family with myself and I don’t regret a second of it. In-fact, I want more so I’ll be figuring out how to incorporate this new love into my current life. She is here to stay so my husband will have to accept her and my kids will have to get used to her. I know that I can have the best of both worlds now. I cheated on my family with me and I don’t regret a second of it because I fell in love again and it feels great.