THE REBIRTH OF A MAMMA
Having kids is hard. This is something you always hear other parents tell you and you simply think they are over exaggerating. At least this was my experience. I loved kids and couldn’t wait to start having my own. I pictured myself having a clean, quiet baby who slept through the night. That I was going be one of those creative moms who did DIY projects that everyone would admire; I seriously thought I would be super mom. I truly believed that my baby wouldn’t change me or my life but that it would just add to it. Boy, was I wrong…
I was over the moon when I found out that I was pregnant with my first child. That my dreams of having a family were finally coming true. It was a rough pregnancy though. I had morning sickness the whole time, as well as insomnia and constant headaches. I was always angry, sad and crying about something. I was miserable and a far cry from giving a shit about what I looked like. My boyfriend would have been lucky if I got out of bed long enough to take a shower. Truth be told, I hated being pregnant and didn’t understand how anyone could enjoy it.
Then I had my first born. I spent hours examining her little fingers and toes, how soft and smooth her head felt, but the novelty of having a baby wore off really quick. Being a mom was nothing like I thought it would be; it was actually really hard. I was exhausted and fell into deep depression. I tried to live up to my impossible expectations but she wouldn’t cooperate and I didn’t understand why. Stupid, right? I will admit that I was naïve and that I was in for a hard lesson to learn. She cried so much that I would lock myself in the bathroom just to get away from it for 5 minutes. I couldn’t believe what a mess I got myself into and didn’t know how to fix it.
I remember waking up to my daughter in the middle of the night (for the hundredth time) one night, crying and begging her to stop. Asking her to just let me sleep for at least a few hours. I truly felt like I couldn’t do it anymore and I was ready to give up. I felt terrible for thinking such awful things about this innocent human that I made and it surprised me when my heart broke. I then realised that she had no idea that I was upset or that she was frustrating me. She only knew that she was upset and needed me to love her, to hold her.
It was that moment that I understood that I wasn’t enjoying being a mom because I was being selfish. I knew that I had to give up my unrealistic expectations and face the facts. That being a mom was not about playing house; it was so much bigger and better than that. I decided to abandon my fantasy’s and do what I needed to do in order to put every last ounce of energy I had into loving and caring for this perfect little child. I let go of the way I felt like things needed to be and gave into what my baby actually needed, me. Once I gave up on trying to control the situation but work with it and her, I felt a love and understanding that I never knew possible. It was that moment that I really blossomed into a real mom.
I’m definitely not saying that things got easier. Parenting is hard and nothing can change this fact. I was recently asked what I like to do for fun during a job interview and I had no idea what to say. I couldn’t even make anything up because I couldn't remember what it is a person does for fun. Then they tried to rephrase the question because they saw that I was having a hard time answer what was supposed to be a pretty simple question; they asked me what I like to do during my free time and I went blank again. The only thing I could think of was sleep. I like to sleep when I have the chance because I am usually exhausted from taking care of my kids and all of the house work as well as taking online courses (to finish the course required to get this job I’m getting interview for) and working full time. I still got the job (even though my personal life lacked some color) thank god!
This made me realize that I need to start focusing on myself again. It has been twelve years since I’ve had my first child. She now has two siblings. My kids are getting older so I’m ready to spread my wings, to find myself again. The problem is that I have no idea how to do that anymore? My whole life for the past 12 years has been solely dedicated to the needs of my children. I can’t remember who I am or what my style is anymore because I’m usually to tired or busy to care about it. My hair is usually in a frizzy bun that hasn’t been brushed in a few days and I’ve became socially awkward. I feel like I’m entering a world that I’ve never experienced. I am literally learning who I am again in every way, just like a toddler turning into a child.
I am excited to ask all of you reading this blog to join me as I share this journey with you. Hopefully we can share some laughs together, maybe some tears (both happy and sad) in my uncensored/unfiltered bog. You may be able to relate to my experiences. My experiences may help you or you may just get offended and/or think I’m an idiot and that’s ok too. I’m hoping to touch everyone who reads my blog in any way possible. Welcome to the rebirth of a mamma.
